Why wait? (Mini-Lesson #1)
Hey friends!
Huge news on the front for our kids’ mental health: last month, a coalition of attorney generals in 41 states filed suit against Meta, claiming their "dopamine-manipulating" features have poisoned an entire generation's mental health. As a mama, I’m so grateful for the people on the frontlines of this legal effort; praying for the courageous people who are testifying in front of Senate subcommittees in the weeks ahead.
But as you know, these aren’t the only people on the frontlines.
Regularly, I talk with parents who want to delay social media introduction for their middle schooler, but struggle when their kiddo asks, “Why? Why do I have to wait?” And while there are a few parents who mic-drop this opportunity…most of us feel like blindfolded passengers on a whitewater rapid ride we didn’t ask to go on.
So…when our kids ask why, it’s tempting to jump scare them with worst-case scenarios. To reminisce about how much better it was to be a kid in the 80s. To shame them for wanting something that is so clearly toxic and destructive. Or my personal go-to: pivot to an ice cream break.
But if we don’t offer grounded, factual information about the intentional traps set by social media companies, we miss our chance to empower our kids. Ultimately, we don’t want them to understand our why…we want them to develop their own why.
There are a gazillion ways to answer the question “Why do I have to wait?”—but in this series, we’ll unpack the top pain points our kids experience as they wait for social media…starting with the feeling that it’s just a way to stay connected with friends. I hope it helps!
xo, kb
When social media platforms first appeared around 2005, many of us GenXers assumed they were kind of like a telephone, but with a fresh “face.” Just another way to stay connected with friends. The trouble is, if we look at mental health statistics in the 80’s, the numbers didn’t plummet when we talked—for hours—on the phone. In fact, it wasn’t until the “like” button was introduced in 2012 that our mental health levels began to drastically decline. So what’s the difference?
It might help to start by looking at God’s design for human connection. As babies, we are all born into world looking for someone who is looking for us.** We have a need, and we share it, and our parent responds to our need.
This co-regulation is how we learn to calm our fears and our pain. Back and forth communication…like a tennis match…or a game of catch. I throw a ball to you. You toss it back to me. Our goal is to keep the ball—our conversation—bouncing between us. We can do this by talking on the phone…or by having coffee face to face. We can even do this in a text stream with our mom or our best friend.
But here’s how social media is different. It’s kind-of like playing tennis…except there are one billion people with you on the court, listening to your conversation, taking notes about your friendship and using their notes to make a little money off of you.
The people on the court? They are companies like Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat. And their goal isn’t to help you stay connected with your friends…it is to make money. And unfortunately, the fastest way to make money is by making us feel lonely, angry, scared or insecure…The worse we feel, the more money they make.
It turns out, most social media apps aren’t interested in helping us “play tennis”…they are more interested in creating an environment where we feel alone. So. While our brains think we were stepping onto a tennis court to connect with our friends, the reality is we are stepping onto a treadmill next to our friends….with our ankles tied together. And…the social media companies control the dials.
So look at why this matters. Let’s say you post a photo of a special moment on social media…but no one gives it a like or comment. It’s like you’ve served a tennis ball into outer space. Nothing bounces back. You’ve been ghosted.
This “missed ball” isn’t what you expected or hoped for when you tossed it… and it’s painful enough when it happens in a text with your best friend. But in social media, it actually feels like hundreds of people missed your ball. So the pain isn’t just a little bit greater…the pain is hundreds of times greater.
Remember: this is not necessarily your friends’ fault…as they might not have ever seen the post. The social media companies will hide your posts on purpose, so you will feel alone…and then they can show you an ad for something that will comfort you. Chocolate. Stuffed animals. Cool sneakers. Pornography.
And in a matter of minutes, the tennis net between you and your friends has grown ten stories tall—causing all kinds of confusion, and making it really hard to bounce conversations back and forth.
And what if you’re on the other side of the tennis court? Many people don’t post much on social media, but scroll it regularly to “keep up” with their friends. So: when you are just scrolling on social media, is that better than posting?
If the goal of tennis is to keep the ball in the air—the goal of dodgeball is to attack the other team with balls until they are overwhelmed. When you are “just scrolling” in social media—it is a little like standing alone on one side of a dodgeball court, trying to catch hundreds of balls at once.
You are made to catch one ball at a time, maybe two…but when you are scrolling social media, there is no way you can catch and respond to 500 balls, and this leads to guilt and overwhelm. You end up exhausted trying to keep up…afraid that you are being left out…and ashamed that you are a bad friend.
So here’s the bottom line. Social media is a way to connect with your friends, but it is not the best way. It is costly. Social media companies take something God designed for good—our friendships, our connections, our conversations, our tennis matches—and steal a little tiny sliver of joy.
Our culture wants to tell us that we don’t have a choice, that social media the only way to stay connected to people. But the truth is, we can find other ways to pursue “tennis match” conversations… and make those our gold standard for staying connected.
And when it’s time for your first social media app, we can choose apps that “organic”—which means they don’t sell advertisements. These apps—like Zoom, GroupMe, or MarcoPolo—give us a better chance at experiencing connection with our friends the way God intended…with the winning score of Love / Love.
** Excerpted from The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson, MD.
Social Compass Minilesson No. 1
Empowering your kiddo to crave God’s best design for connecting with friends.