Dear Middle School Mama
Happy Back-to-School!
Cheers to conquering the mound of Ticonderoga #2s, sneaker aisles, class lists, locker combos and Facebook posts. :) While I’m feeling allll back-to-school jitters and rumblings with you, one group is especially on my heart this morning: incoming 6th grade parents. I see you. I’m with you. I am you.
My journey as a middle school parent began six years ago when my oldest was entering 6th grade. Despite my background as a middle school teacher, I was a mess! Millions of questions, fears, and unknowns…and then there were smartphones. Everywhere I turned, painful stories of tweens in the digital world were bubbling up…and parents were blindsided and overwhelmed. We rookie moms would have given our right arms for someone ahead of us to tell us how to avoid the hazards we faced in the digital world…but we quickly learned the older mamas felt as hopeless and lost as we did.
I’m so grateful and humbled those same mamas were willing to share their stories, mistakes, and lessons with me over the past couple of years. Because of their courage and by God’s grace, I know a teeny bit more now than I did…and if you are a middle-school mama, I want you to have it.
Passing on a handful of things mamas have told me “I wish I had known” below; take what you need. This digital crossroads is a big one—let’s not cross it alone.
xo, kb
Six years ago, I would sometimes hear parents say, “What’s the big deal…social media is just a way for our kids connect the same way we did with telephones when we were teens.”
In fairness—six years ago, we didn’t have the information we do today. In 2023, NYU researchers Jonathan Haidt and Zac Rausch published research indicating significant correlation between the age at which a child is given a smartphone and their mental health as early adults. The US Surgeon General and the APA both issued warnings about social media use amongst adolescents. And as of July, nearly 200 school districts have joined litigation against Meta, Snapchat, Tiktok and YouTube, claiming these apps have harmed our kids.
The good news? Younger parents are paying attention.
Last September, a fellow middle school English teacher came to me with a fascinating observation. Each year, the first assignment she gives her 6th grade students is to pull out their phones and choose a photo to write about. But last year? Many or most of the students in her 6th grade class no longer had smartphones. This is a significant shift from the previous years, when smartphones were a nearly undisputed right of passage in her school community. Instead, many students were now carrying “first phones” like Gabb, Pinwheel and Troomi—which enable parents to delay social media.
The tide is turning in a better direction…and you want to ride this wave.
This is great news, because it turns out the greatest pressure to introduce social media too early oftentimes doesn’t come from our children…but from other parents. Over and over, I’ve been in conversations where one parent shares they felt they had to give Joey Snapchat because Johnny had Snapchat…to which Johnny’s mom responds, “Johnny told me Joey had Snapchat…that’s why I finally gave in.”
Parents—one of our greatest superpowers is talking to each other.
Your child’s social media debut might still be several years away, but it is never too early to start talking to other parents about the path they are hoping to take when that milestone comes. Your goal is not to approach things the exact same way as other parents—this is your family, your choice. But try to establish trust and support for other families—knowing you will need each other in the years ahead. Don’t wait to talk to other parents until your child has been exposed to pornography by another child on the bleachers after basketball practice…because at that point, you will be more likely to encounter shame, anger and relationship strain.
And…while it might feel scary to bring up this topic with other parents, take heart! When Screen Sanity was founded six years ago, I imagined that sharing my concerns would force me into a black hole of social rejection. But one of the most joyful surprises has been the overwhelming amount of support and solidarity I’ve experienced as I’ve shared my concerns. If you step out, I think you’ll find other parents to be so grateful you did.
Not sure where to start? Check out this awesome Parent Night Kit from Screen Sanity.
Like the Snapchat story above, one of the top reasons parents share they add apps to their kids phones is FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out. We want our kids to see all their friends’ back-to-school style, so we allow them to have Instagram. We are worried they might miss a note from the coach, so we add them to TeamSnap. We don’t want them to be left out from the invite to the sleepover, so we make sure they have GroupMe.
Unfortunately, this is fool’s gold. Over and over, parents have shared that once their child added the app, it actually made things worse. The FOMO increased exponentially. Their middle schooler was still left out of certain things, but now had to watch it play out…in living color…in multiple places. Classmates gathered at the ice cream shop. A recap of that fun youth group trip they weren’t allowed to go on. Celebrations of the team they were cut from. Spring break vacation photos…Uff!
The truth is, even if you avoid social media, your child will have plenty of opportunities to experience the sting of missing out in middle school. But. They will have the gift of space to emotionally regulate in healthier ways—and to learn that like eagles, leaders often fly alone.
Rather than running from FOMO, pray that God uses these painful moments to help them become more sensitive and intentional adults who reach out to people who are left behind… and ultimately, to learn the value of deep friendships with a small group of people.
If your child has made it to middle school, they’ve likely been introduced to the concept of “digital citizenship.” The theory is: if you follow the rules, make safe choices, and maintain a clean “digital footprint,” the online world can be a great place to hang out and even improve yourself. Just don’t mess up—your future college and employers are watching. No pressure—yeesh!
The truth is, we are raising good kids…and they are human. The online world is coming for them, and unfortunately, there is no 100% foolproof solution that will guarantee that they won’t get bumped, bruised, or taken down a path you don’t want them to go.
One rock-solid parent recently shared with me that, despite a stonewall of internet filters and intentional practices at home, her son had been groomed via an online gaming platform by someone he believed to be attracted to him. He is a good kid who loves the Lord, but allowed himself to be coaxed to send a nude photo to this online acquaintance…and was then blackmailed to wire $500 in the next 24 hours or the photo would be shared with everyone at his high school.
In the painful aftermath of this sextortion incident, I asked her what advice she would offer to other parents. Her answer?
In middle school, we talked about how quickly mistakes escalate in the digital world. I told him, ‘One tiny slip and you can go underwater incredibly fast. When that happens, you will not be able to save yourself…but if you reach out to me, I know how to throw a life preserver.” I’m so glad he had the courage to come to me for help. This was life or death. The path of life was to weather the storm of embarrassment and regret together. The other path…I can’t imagine what might have happened if he tried to weather the storm alone. ” The family was able to get the police involved and get their child the support he needed to begin on a road to recovery and healing.
Friends, as much as we want our middle schoolers to know that online mistakes have consequences—and oftentimes they are tenfold what we expect them to be—it is critical that we give them the grace of seeing them as imperfect humans who can and will make mistakes. While the world might see these incidents as a permanent flaw on our record, God offers a different story of redemption—and our kids need to know the Gospel is true, even in the digital world.
When it comes to social media introduction, parents often fall into one of two camps: either we get overwhelmed and throw in the towel—leaving our kids to navigate social media on their own. Or we circle the wagons, declare that our children will never have TikTok, and pray that the whole social media kingdom will crumble before they come of age.
But what if, instead of simply saying “No” when your child asks for the hot social media app…you practice saying “Not yet.” Now is the time to shift your mindset from a posture of protection to a posture of preparation, knowing that each time your child asks “Why must I wait?” you’ve got a golden opportunity to help them develop their internal compass.
The truth is, Gen Z is not a generation that is ready to accept our ideas simply because they come from an authority or because that’s the way it’s always been done. They need to hear the “why.” And in middle school, believe it or not, you are still the #1 voice in your child’s head.
So. Seize every opportunity to narrate the good, the bad and the ugly of the what you’ve seen online with your child. Your vulnerability about your own social media experiences might be most powerful tool you have. As your teen grows older, watch the Netflix documentary, The Social Dilemma, with your kids. It’s an awesome—though sobering—tool to help you start a conversation about the “why.”
When it is time to open their first account, go slowly, adding one at a time. Maybe even have a standard “waiting period” policy for your kids, making it a habit of test driving the app yourself for 24 hours before downloading it for your middle schooler.
Ultimately, the longer you delay, the more time they will have to develop their own “why” as they watch the social-emotional fallout of peers who jump in before them. While this is truly heartbreaking—these painful second hand experiences are compelling. If it’s possible to keep your kiddo on the sidelines until age 16, their pre-frontal cortext will have time to develop enough to do the math and help them “proceed with caution” when they dip their own toes in the water.
This last one is a personal confession. I have spent my fair share of time rolling my eyes at the sea of middle schoolers flooding out the middle school building when the bell rings, looking down at their phones instead of their peers.…but I’m learning that there is something sacred happening if I look a little closer. They’re trying to fulfill the very thing that God has created them for…the thing they want and desire more than anything…relationships.*
While it’s natural to try to paint technology use in black and white, I’ve learned I cannot just say to my kids, “We shouldn’t be so addicted to our phones.” Because kids will then ask, “What, then, should we be doing instead?” As a Christ-follower, I get to answer that question with curiosity, softness, and imagination.
I’m learning to add color to my conversations by sprinkling them with examples of technology being used in redemptive ways. Signup Genius, GoFundMe, and Ianacare allow the church to respond to physical needs. Social media accounts can be used to offer truth and light. Many human-centric technology products hit the market each day—thoughtfully designed to alleviate problems we’ve faced throughout history. Technology is a gift.
My friend Andy Crouch shares that the antidote to being a mere consumer of technology is to become a creator. Life is not about waiting for our devices to offer us thrilling experiences, but to actually be someone who jumps into the work of making something beautiful and true and good for the world.**
May this good work begin in the most unexpected place: our children’s middle school years.
xo, kb
*Mark Gregston, Heartlight Ministries
**Andy Crouch, Interview with StudentSoul